blackroseshadow

It was my 15th birthday at Tuesday. Not only mine, but Ray Toro’s too. He’s the lead guitarist of My Chemical Romance. Well, maybe I’m lucky because I have some chemistry to them. Started from my name is almost same like Frank until the same birthday with Ray. But I’m proud to have the same birthday with Ray! Hey, Ray, I hope God bless us and we have all the things we wish. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

Anyway, my birthday this time is not like the usual I always have. I always have a party on my birthday, but I don’t want it right now. The people around me, especially some of my family, ask me to have party. But I really don’t need it right now. I just want to spend it on my own and there’s no one who has power to change my opinion. I was still awake until 3am. I just took a warm bath, praying, and receiving some message then I went to bed. Suddenly I heard some voices. It was heard like there’s someone knocking my window and set some fireworks. It happened about 15 minutes. I moved the curtain and took a look, but there’s nothing there. Uh, come one! Yeah, that’s right I was born on Thursday night ‘kliwon’. Thursday night ‘kliwon’ is a creepy night which Indonesian people believe, especially Javanese. I was born in Singkawang, near the city of Pontianak where there’s a myth that there’s so many female ghost who always looking forward of her baby. And from what I heard, that those creatures almost get me. Creepy, yeah! But come on, I wasn’t invited anybody and it doesn’t meant that I invited those creatures and make a party for me. But, huh, thank you for the surprise! Je te touché, you can always show yourself and have fun to me and I don’t think I’d might screaming when you make the creepy surprise to me with some of your kind. If only you can bring Frank for me. Oh, no, I’m sure you can do it by some of your kind to transform into the body and face like him, but I want the real him. If only there’s someone who will do and give me everything, I’ll ask him/her to send a package where there’s Frank inside as my present! When I open the box, then I’ll see Frank come up surprising me and he’s wrapped by some ribbons. Ahahaha.. that must be so fun! Hmm, yeah, and of course the other great thing I’ll never forget is if only MCR come to my house and as the guest star of my birthday party. And I’ll make sure that birthday party is Ray’s too

Then in the morning, I was waked up with abnormal reaction (I guess). I was surprised mixed with anger because my little brother and his baby sitter put so many balloons to my room. I thought my family had prepared the party on downstairs, so I almost angry. But thank God they heard what I said that I really don’t want it. The time running so fast. And I just do some dumb things I always do. Circling my house, kicked some balloons, and I was very hyper! No, I didn’t eat chocolate or drank Chamdor which always makes me hyper. But I was really abnormal that day. When I notice that my brother is sleeping, the TV was turned off, and I had to know that it’s enough for me to surfing the internet, I just realize that everything was just so quiet. Then lazily I jumped onto the bed where my brother sleep and laying beside him is.

Minutes past away without telling me that I was fall asleep. I heard some steps in that room. I thought that was my mom who had coming home from her office so I opened my eyes slowly, but that were Scilla & Dita [CIPO]. They brought a little birthday cake, well that wasn’t really small but medium. And they had set the burning candles on the cake. I made some wishes and blew the fire. Suddenly my parent comes home. They brought some meals and another birthday cake for me. So, I have two birthday cakes, from my friends and from my parent. After cutting the cake and give it to everyone there, Dita told Scilla that last week we made some alphabet shadows near the swimming pool. Then we came there to give the real show to Scilla. Scilla’s hand was laid on my shoulder where I was in the edge of the pool, so I can’t stable my body and then I was drown to the pool! All of my body was wet, and then I took the towel and went to my bathroom to take a bath. Scilla & Dita went to my bedroom.

When I finished took a bath, suddenly they asked me to wear any dress. Then they decided me to wear the batik. We went to the backyard and basketball field to take some photos. We were having fun by taking some photos there. And we have balloons as our properties (photos in my DA : DARKphotography.deviantart.com). We had tired and we came back to the house. Dita’s dad had came to my house to pick them, but finally he was talking with my parent and we just sat down and having fun with my little brother until they decided to go home. Thank you guys, especially all of you who had prepared to buy the little blueberry cake for me. I really appreciate it!

Just few hours ago I was arrived from Jeddah for Umrah. The
agent travel that we took was Maktour. There are some reasons I can’t tell
about the wicked politic things in my country that makes my parent take their
decision to only choose Maktour as my family agent for Hajj and Umrah.

From preparing the things until arrival in the airport I
felt too excited. But I was so bored because there are so many adult, and
barely no people around my age. Cell phone battery was used up because I always
hear the music while waiting the plane. Meanwhile, my only little brother’s hobbies
are kick or punch me. Well, that’s a normal because he’s a boy.

When we were arrived in King A. Aziz airport (Jeddah), I
felt so glad. Guess what, there’s someone
occupied my mind! His hair from the back side is like Jared Leto’s when in
the From Yesterday video clip (but black color), his front side hair is like
Zacky Vengeance, and his nose is like Frank Iero! But, unluckily we’re not in
the same group. What damnation!

We went to six continent (Marriot) hotel by bus where had
already prepared just for us. In the bus I took a look. Jeddah city is so glamorous!
They stay in their house in afternoon, and live in the night. Just like me,
yeah, just like bat like my mom said. There are so many car showrooms until the
cars like Ferrari, Lamborghini, and other. I can’t stop saying "wow".
People said that Jeddah city is like red bride in the night when we’re seeing
it from the sky. The thing I don’t like, but always happen come through me
again. When I saw the coolness of the car beside the bus, suddenly the man in
the car looked at me. Then I was hiding beside the curtain and finally that car
left behind. But, damn he was trying to set his car beside the bus again and
seeing me. Uh, bad luck charm came again.

I can’t always concentrate to praying this Umrah because
there are little devils that disturb
me! Aargh!!! Those 5th graders but have such a big obesities body like football
ball. And they were always seeing me with their curious but dumb face. Oh,
well, I was always wearing nice and neat Moslem dress, but my mouth was always
chewing gum and my ears were always closed by the ear phone. And I acted like a
boy. It’s a natural; I’m not purely girl since when I was a baby. While they’re
such a mommy’s goody goody boy and girls, but so annoying!!

And the "alien"
path begins. I saw a man who gets black under his eyes. I thought he’s barely
sleep, but my curious mind answer it. Well, he’s wearing eyeliner (I thought that’s one of his daily things).
Came up the thing called, eww, EMO! I respect them, but it does look
strange to him if he really pretend as emo.

Each day stay in the hotel and go always with these kinds of
people. And everyday I thought more that he’s an alien! I stared at him to see
how he likes when he’s talking, but I didn’t see his talking way. I often did
some research to him, especially when we’re in the dining room.

We were in

Mecca

where we’re going to do the main Umrah thing. When he stands beside me suddenly
I was surprise. Gosh, he’s such an alien suspect! He speaks Arabian language
very well and fast while I never heard him speak in Indonesian. And in the
night I had a nightmare. I dreamed that he becomes an idiot man and one
of the families in the same group asks me to take care of him. Wow, my
dream is so mean to him, but so making me mad.

The next day I saw him wearing purple shirt, that’s such a
gay! And I aware that I’m wearing the same color dress like him. Twice he’s
wearing that shirt while I wearing that dress too. He’s such a copy cat alien.

The next day is weirder! We were in Intercontinental hotel
in Jeddah near the red sea. We had some fun time to shopping and relax. When my
family wanted to go to the mall with some of the other, he came up. God, he’s
wearing tight
white t-shirt now! Not really extreme tight, but it’s enough to show
him just like a gay person. But thank God he wasn’t come shopping with my
family and other in the same car. That must be very weird.

And the last day came. My family was the latest family to come
to the bus because of my brother. And we got in the middle of the bus which is
near those devils. Their moms look so nice and respect my parent. But their
kids such devils. Again, they were staring at me looks like I’m a convict which
was just get out from the jail.

In the airport while waiting the plane, I wasn’t wasted the
battery of my hand phone to hear the music. But I was shopping with my mother
and my little brother. First, we just wanted to buy some toys for my brother
because he wasn’t brought his favorite toys. But at the end my mom asked me to
go with her and we bought a school bag for me and bag for my mom. I don’t know
what the name of that bag is. Excuse me, I’m not a fashionista!

In the plane, I was so bored. There’s nothing to do. I just
can listening music, watching movie, eat some meals, and get out to the
bathroom. Yes, my favorite thing to do is going to the bathroom because I’m not
one of person who can’t endure to sit down for long time, even just for 5
minutes.

Voilá! I come back to

Jakarta

!
Even I’m so sad because I don’t want to leave that holy land, but I should to.
I was crying when I left the Holy Mosque in Madinah when I said goodbye. I
don’t know why, but last year I didn’t cry when I did the same thing there.

We came to luggage room where we could take our trunk or the
other things we brought. The “alien” near us! Ooh, I’m attack by alien! No,
kidding. Just an intermezzo, I remember

Gerard Way

now. Hahaa.. Anyway, each luggage was coming and each person disappeared. Just
my family, me, and him who left there as a Maktour person. Tralala, the bad
luck charm came again. I count the things we brought, and there’s just one
thing left. My luggage is the latest of what we brought. It doesn’t appear! And
I was getting worry if my luggage was cursed. I stared at him and thinking of
why he doesn’t seem to disappear likes the other? The thing I don’t expect turn
again, he glanced at me. He caught glanced at me three times. And the last one
… gotcha! He really gets caught glanced at me. Huh, why did? Did he do the same
thing like those devils? If it’s, well, he’s weirder than me. Much more! I don’t
wear eyeliner daily like him.

Finally I came to my car. I turn my head to take a look out
side. It’s always been so hard to say goodbye for me. Not to him of course, but
to the aunties and some girls older than me that I called sister which was always
together with me and take care of me when I wasn’t with my parent. But the trip
is over, the car was moving farther away from the airport and we’re all just
very tired now.

In a cloudy day when I keep
regretting and missing you I was out of school and picked Melati up to her
house with my car. In her house, I can’t stand to waiting for you in time on
your show. Then we went to my house to prepare everything. We was on our experi
ment
to complete our fashion to be ready in the worth concert for me. And my new friend named Fina who school in 82 sent me a message to alert me about the
concert. We were met because of tragedy. Yeah, Hotel Mulia tragedy at January
30^th 2008!
When you smiling at me at the first time. It was the mark
and the scar that makes you one. But I’m proud that I met other MCR fan because
I never feel so mad about MCR with all my friends, except Viya (which is Dita’s
cousin and she is far from us now). After preparing everything we were so hurry
to go to JCC. And the tragedy back again, I forgot the ticket. Luckily my
father came with us and called his employee to cancel his entire job and send
the tickets by motorbike. Really I was on my forlorn and cannot drink or eat
anything while we were waiting for the tickets to come.

After we prayed and I prayed for us
to save us in the concert we get the tickets and went to the building. One of
the things I regret because of the tickets we can’t hurry to the JCC building where
we could get the front place. I really worried that I couldn’t stay in front of
my lovely Frank to fulfill my fanatic personality to him since 2003 wh
en they
launched their “Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge” album until now. I begged to
Melati to come with me to the front place but at least I’m on my decision to go to the front place by my self. When the concert began and all MCR fans starting
to do harsh things my heart beating faster than when the first time we arrived.
I’m on my way to let my self drown into the crowded and let Melati stayed in
her place.

Not on
ly my body that drown into
the crowded, but my mind too.
Could I control my wildness when some people
moshing beside me? Of course not! I won’t let my self fall down in the crowded because
it isn’t funny. Thank God I got one of the front places so I could see and
recorded your face closer, Frank. But the guy in front of me was so ugly! Truthfully
he is not ugly though, but handsome enough. But am I look like other girls who
easy to melting when seeing handsome boy? No, of course! He was so
self-righteousness and hurt my hand and head, so I bite his back. It was
awesomely great because finally I could explode my emotion to the right person.
Before I bite his back I felt so headache and some guys asked me to bring me up
and called the security to bring me to the emergency unit. And you gave me your
poison again, Frank.
Thank you for the venom, thank you for your smile to me. Suddenly
I felt so okay with your smile for me. But I can’t stay there, because no one
can stay over the gate except the security.
Again, I was on my forlorn and almost
take a decision to put my self on a danger to come back in the middle of the
crowded. But my friend named Jasmin (which is the way I met her same like Fina
who school in 82) come to the emergency unit too. We can’t stay there too long.
When we heard “I Don’t Love You” song we decided to hurry to back to the
festival even though just in the back. And my tricky mind won’t let me see the
concert without recorded it with the digital camera. So I could see and recorded
them by the zoomed camera.

Almost in the end of the concert
when you played “Cancer” song my heart was so hurt. I won’t cry in the middle
of many people, but I couldn’t hold those tears. And I cried while recorded
that video. You could see the videos I recorded from my hand phone camera in http://youtube.com/frankierosvenom,
recorded videos from digital camera are coming soon. Some of them I recorded closer to them.

Well, it was crowded and you were
in time for the show. I spent the night dancing, screaming, I’m drunk of you,
and I supposed, Frank. You watched me corrode like a beast in repose and gave
me your smile ‘cause I love you more and more on the stage. I’ve really been on
the bender and it showed. If I was look like I’m letting you go I’m really just
asking you to come back. Because the hardest part of my life is seeing you
leaving.

Frank, you’re the one that makes me
live. You’re the one that could change my emotion suddenly. I keep your name on
my sleeve. You gave me all your poison and your pills. And you gave me your
entire smile that makes me ill. You’re gone away after something that you’ll
never kill. You don’t know that my heart was hurt when I saw you smiling on me
and when I remembering your smile.

Pull the Blood, but I’d like to
learn your name. When holding on, well, I hope you do the same. Slip into the
tragedy, you’ve spun my heart dry! I miss you, I miss you so far!! And the collision
of your smile that made my heart so hurt. Back home off the run, remembering
your concert and your smile to me that makes me want to slit my wrist. So I
won’t stop dying, won’t stop remembering. If I want to keep on forgetting did I
get what I deserve? After all things I did for this worth moment full of
sacrifice. Seems like the world won’t let me go, but they don’t know that I’ll
do everything. And after that tragedy three days ago I can’t stop crying in the
night. Did I get what I deserve? Still, I won’t stop dying to remembering you
and one day when I have a chance to meet you again I’ll do everything AGAIN
even I should drain all my blood. You are a fever I can’t sweat out. And I know
I’m not okay because I MISS YOU SO FAR!

YOU ARE such a criminal and you’ll never have a chance, Love
it or leave it you can’t understand. A pretty face but you do so spoiled! It
isn’t due that that all MCR fan really wanted to bury you alive and I think
that “bitch” calling is really FIT on you. Hey, you named Nadia kind of Chinese
region who had been in Hotel Mulia at January 30^th 2008 since 3pm.
I’m not kind of racist people and I don’t care whether you are Chinese or
Japanese or European or what ever! But you really think like a PIG! You said
“fuck you, Mikey!” then I really want to say “shut the fuck off you fucking
bitch!” in front of your face. What’s the purpose to waiting for them since 3pm
and they arrived at around 10pm but you said that dirty garbage words? Besides,
with the words you spoke I know that you think so shallow. Are you kind of
idiot girl who cannot speak in English and you just knowing “fuck you” words?
I’m sure you are! Did you know, I really hate you and feels like want to bury
you to the deepest ground in the earth? Faggot! You made us sad, you ruined
everything! You collected all curse and let the fire burn you in hell. I was so
please to meet FRANK last January 30^th 2008! And he was on his way
to sign his autograph to us. But the bitch ruined everything, their bodyguard
and manager didn’t allow them. Should I drain all my blood to have speak with
Frank and unexplained the unforgivable? Your bitch attitude is really
unforgivable and unexplained because we can’t explode all our emotion easily
and you can’t fix the cracking glass like you turn your hand. Yes, we still
hate you. Yesterday I meet other MCR fan in concert and we still can’t bury
our vengeance. And the most things I hate are you made the bitter memory
between me and Frank! Frank was smiling so peaceful to me. It was SO beautiful
but very pretty handsome awkward. His smiling face is always on my mind. It’s
kind of bittersweet memory. So beautiful but stabbing into the deepest part of
my heart. I’ll never forget this bittersweet tragedy and your bitch attitude that was ruined everything!

New Wave lyrics

my friends caught on
i didn’t expect it
so i had my fun
and now i regret it

but now it’s just gone taken over
my head, my thoughts are wrapped around
who you’re doing now

i never thought that it would change
now everything’s different
i’ll rearrange
my expectations
will not be the same

we go heartbroken from the promises
running around this town like you wanted it
the cover up, the noise, the new boy
i’m finding it hard to take
your new wave

thought we were cool
they never showed up
i broke the rules
it’s time to grow up

but i can’t stop wondering about it
the pieces don’t fit, and im confused
i believed you

i never thought that it would change
now everything’s different
i’ll rearrange
my expectations
will not be the same

we go heartbroken from the promises
running around this town like you wanted it
the cover up, the noise, the new boy
i’m finding it hard to take
your new wave

and i can
but i won’t
cause i tried
and i finally see
what you are
and you know
what you meant to me
yeah it hurts
and i’ll find
what it is i need

i’ll tell you how it’s gonna change

 
Songs, lyrics, and all things are by Mark Chrisman &
Alex Evans. They live in

Beverly Hills

and

Quebec

,

Canada

.
It’s great to read and listening their songs. Simply but stabbing to the
deepest part of the heart. They’re not yet becoming professional artists, but
they’re talented and I believe someday they’ll be professional artists. Check
out their MySpace for other information: http://myspace.com/markandalex. Also
another song of them called “Crazy” music video have come out in YouTube : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPJNZzzHGb4.
It’s a slideshows but I’m sure you wouldn’t get bored because their photography
really good.

Not only in music, Alex and his friends are working on
photography in DA and clothing line called “Heartbreaker”.

What kind of job is psychiatric? If only I become a psychiatric, I would regret it because I’ll always feel sinful. It’s okay or maybe VERY okay for people who need help for their problem. But what a goddamn impostor, they really want to know my problem! WHO ARE THEY?!? They’re nothing for me! They are not my family or even some people worth for me! I never care with them even they were asking me to have consultation. I said NO because it’s wasting so much time and they CAN’T wake up the soul from this nightmare. No one knows my problem, no one knows my vengeance, and no one feel my scar, even my parent or my closest friends. They just know the radiant eclipse of me. "What kind of problem does Fathin has? She doesn’t have any problem. Look at her face, SO PEACEFUL!” That was what I heard and what I read. Oh, so awesome that they didn’t know my true life. That’s what I know from cabaret life.
And that’s why I really hate them very much. I’m angry with them because they are probably strangers. And I don’t want a stranger touch a part of my life. Okay, maybe I still could act nicely with them when they have touched A PIECE of my life, but DON’T EVER take a look at the deeper part because I’m sure they won’t get the curse. I knew I really got clairvoyant disease, but I really DON’T NEED THEM! Would be the best if they will bury their curiosity to my life to the deepest ground, and throw their mind of my life to the highest skies. They SHOULD manage their own life, and never want to take a look at a part of my life, they are NOT ALLOWED!! So bye, bye and don’t ever take a look at my life if only JUST for 1second!

________________________________________________________________________

We’re just ordinary people who have weakness and we don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow. Just do what should you do in your days. Play your cabaret scenes, but be careful, there will something slipping away. Watch your mouth, manage every move you want to make. Every letter you said and every inch your move might cause something good even bad things. Even with your best friends or closest friends, don’t ever make it slipping away. People hearts never be the same, their revenge too.
Think what they never think, and read their mind. You’ll get what you never get. Knew others mind is different satisfy. And you’ll know what you should do to make it never slipped away. Enemy can be friend, friend can be enemy. Be careful with those words. Should know others real personality, not only your friends. Take all the possibilities before the possibility came true.
But if the possibility takes you to the bitter fact, don’t ever give up or just saying "I’m suffered". Suffer is a fool, too much melancholic, too much garbage. Suffer just the worries in our mind. Some live so wrong with what we do in each own, but living in fear is endless shame for countless years.
Truthfully, I never lived in fear, I knew I’d die another day. And I never view my life as something slipping away. Trust your heart that there is nothing could make you scared. Even though it hurts, just believe you could face the truth. Receive the pain without fear, and what you got just the scars, not the pain. Throw the fear, believe that nothing hurts in this world. Example: so many people afraid of hot water, but if we feel it with our skin slowly, you’ll feel the cold water. Don’t worry, we got a lot to learn. Don’t fall on the track with so many races to go, hold on.

On this Halloween day, I just want to say "Happy Birthday, my darl, FRANK ANTHONY  IERO PRICOLLO!! Joyeux Anniversaire!". God blessed you, and I hope you’re day will be better than yesterday. October is the good month for me. Because; my brother’s birthday is in Oct27th, Frank’s birthday is in Oct31st, and of courseHALLOWEEN!!

________________________________________________________________________

Truthfully, I love Halloween very much! But I really don’t like Valentines Day. Should we give love to the people we love just on that day? So meaningless.
Oh, how I love Halloween day very much! We can have fun on that day. But unlucky I couldn’t make a Halloween party with my close friends at this time. Humph, if only Justin is here now, of course we’ll make Halloween party and we’ll wear corpse bride costume. That’s what we really want to do. Ya, maybe next time.
Hell, yeah, I have Rosemary flower in my garden! I think I’ll sleep with that thing and gothic songs. Which is I always hear it before I sleep. Truthfully I never could sleep without songs like that. Nothing could make crowd beside me.
By the way, HAPPY HALLOWEEN DAY!!! "We didn’t die, but we’re just disappearing! And we’ll come out at this night."

________________________________________________________________________
Just a goddamn thing that I got my disease now. After doing sport test, I blow up when I was in math class. But of course I wasn’t blow up in math class, but in the toilet room. And what else I got at this time? My whole body is shaking, I can’t breathe easily, I got headache, and I always want to blow up. Good, I just hope that tomorrow I’ll be fine. So I could doing math test

Trashed and Scattered - Avenged Sevenfold
Keep on writing you’re just raping yourself (nothing can take my mind away from them)
Don’t you ask about me, ask ’bout somebody else (Once I’ve fallen there’s many stories to tell)
I can’t feel it, won’t embrace it, it’s overwhelming how far ya take it (I’m in a state of questioning)
And don’t you tell me you know we’ re destined, you won’t convince me, I won’t listen (Resentment building, you’ve put
our lives on hold)

Trashed and scattered again, I’m feelin’ so low
You waste breath while fuckin’ with me, my blood is so cold
My destination is always unknown, I’ll find my way there
but you Goddamn Motherfuckers always wasting my time

I won’t be the victim, but the first to cast a stone
Sedated nights to the bar room fights a metropolis takes its toll
And don’t you try to stop me, it’s a place you’ll never know
Don’t try to judge or take shots at me, I’ll never let you seize control

Play your game,you better walk away cause your integrity don’t mean shit
Crawl on me you fucking PARASITE, but I’m gonna take you out

Label me, that’s fine, I’ll be somebody else (Nothing in front of me but holes ahead)
Lie about my life, have a story to tell (Lights went down, was on the edge and I fell)
Oh you’re so insightful, let me remind you to twist and break me, should make you worried (Long way to go and you’re right there)
Two-faced liar, don’t try and know me, deceit brings fire, makes sure you can’t breathe (Pick at pieces of my body below)

I never bothered with all the rumors, too much garbage (all the same)
I’ll stand right here, come on you falsehood deceitful liar (There’s no shame)
Don’t ever take my side, I know you’re never right, I’ll justify the means (Nothing’s what it seems)
I’ll stand around and fight, but there’s no point tonight, been chained to this machine

Trashed and scattered again, I’m feelin’ so low
You waste your breath while fuckin’ with me, my blood is so cold
My destination is always unknown, I’ll find my way to hell
but Goddamn Impostor are you out of your mind?

I walk down these roads alone and now you’re seen here
My feelings that I’m having towards you are perfectly clear (I control this ride)
My devils appetite is tonight and now I’m alright
But you goddamn Motherfuckers always wasting my time

Don’t try and get the best of me (No one can help but your own self)
City makes my body ache (Lonely, don’t try and prey on me)
I feel your world keep dying, no more use in tryin’
And my body’s trashed and low, but to you I’ll never show myself or what’s inside
And I’ve seen it all before but I’ll settle the score, I’ll never join your side

Needle 24.7
Since day one I’ve been crass and far beyond.
I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t cry …
Before you judge me, take a look at yourself.
Condescending, outlivin’ in a lie..

Despite all the pain in my heart grinding through,
it ain’t due that you hate what I hate what you do

Despite all the piety you’ve been consuming thus far,
a backstabbing motherfucker to the bone is what you are

And everyday when the knife in my back starts to twinge n’ turn,
My eyes are catching fire and my heart starts to burn.
A foot away from you is like a bit closer to heaven,
Then again it’s like being needled 24/7

You look down to me to see the scum of the earth to be.
Fuck yeah, that’s me, vile and obscene.
I ain’t happy about it but at least I don’t judge and decree
to be better than another human being.

Despite all the piety you’ve been consuming thus far,
Can anyone, somebody tell me what the fuck is going on?

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Read those lyrics? I love them because it’s really describing you.————————-
Poor them, they’ve fallen into the hole you’ve made. But you CAN’T try to drown me into the deepest darkness ’cause I’ve woke up from this nightmare. Oh, you are so lame, SPOILED ROTTEN GIRL! I’ve promise to my self that "When sins deep in my blood, you’ll be THE ONE to fall" because I NEVER & I DON’T WANT to do bad thing to anyone, except you. Since you made me suffer and broke my life with such garbage rumors, I know what I should do. I won’t quite, because it might piss somebody else. Yeah, and I decided to working behind the scene. Now it happens, my plans are successfully eats you slowly. Awesome, right? I’ve planning far far away from now to make very special present for you. Oh, you’re my "BEST FRIEND"!
And now, do you think this is the end? Exactly NO! You can’t stop my vengeance, of course! You might say I got clairvoyant disease or what ever! I WON’T let you live your life easily because I’ll make you suffer more and more. That curse will be your demonic angel that wills always haunting you.

Maybe I was in self-righteousness personality, because I didn’t tell to my closest friends that she is so dangerous and she’ll make a problem. But what could I do if there is no one believe me. Just accept that you have fallen, but never bleed for fellow girl like her, friends.

You should know that there are so many words I would like to say to you, Spoiled Rotten Girl. SO MANY, as you can’t count it all. And there are so many slink words that I really want to say in front of your face too. I don’t care if there is someone or many people will hate me, dear. I’m chocking on this ecstasy for too long and those fool things could unchain me.
And I would say "crawl on us you fucking parasite, and I’m going to take you out". Well, we (especially me) won’t bury you. There is the place where you SHOULD deter your own grave. One thing you should know, DON’T try to judge or take shots at me, I’ll NEVER let you seize control! That’s enough for now, dear. Let’s think about it and think where you should deter your own grave.

I hate you because I love you. I hate you so much because you took my heart. I hate you ’till die because you make me suffer! How could I love someone for very long time, but made me suffer? I hold all my tears just because of you. I through all days with pain on my shoulder. My soul is crying and screaming loudly.  All haters around me, but I have done nothing to them. That’s all just because of you!! If only I never met you..
Do you know? You have killed me! You have pulling the trigger in her head and her heart. She was losing her mind.
And I hate you when I heard my friends said your name. I hate you very much because my parent often saying your name! You could steal their heart, but neither me! Since you been gone I can breathe for the first time. I’m so moving on. But now I’ve meet you again. Seeing you it kills me now. One thing makes me happy and feels so win is I know what you feel now. hahahaa.. Never think that I’ll open the door for you. I just want to disappear from you. I took the wrong way and I regret it now. But next time I really want to disappear from you. I HATE YOU VERY MUCH!! And I promise I’ll never want to see you anymore after this. I’ll keep my promise!

I always need the time on my own and never thought that I’ll need you here when I cry, my friends. Is not because I’ have problem with you. I just want to keep it in my heart until it’s the time to tell you. It’s very hard because I should hold all pain on my shoulder, head, hands, legs, and my heart. But I’ll hold it until bleeding. You don’t know the truth and what I do. No one knows, because I never tell it to any one. And no one knows my real personality, because I always hide it from everyone, even my parent & my family. So you don’t know who are really I’m inside. It’s pretty good to know that no one knows who are really I’m inside. Just wait, you’ll know that I’m not wrong. One day you’ll know who are really false and I’m the victim. God is always fair. And you’ll get everything you’ve done.

I’m back to the habit!!! totally back to the habit!! bonyok gw sngaja ngajak gw umroh biar gw g ngefreak bgt sm musik, ampe umroh pun bawa hp gw aja g blh gr" hp gw berisi penuh (200-300an lagu). pokoknya g blh bw sesuatu yg berurusan dgn lagu biar gw konsentrasi ibadah & berharap balik dr umroh gw g ngefreak lg sm musik, aplg yg band" gitu. emang sih, bener, di sana gw konsen ibadah ampe muka gw bening banget. waktu disana jg pas gw pengen bgt nyanyi suatu lagu, tp tb" di otak gw ngeblank & g ada satu kata dr slh satu lirik lagu yg gw sukapun, jd kyk dihipnotis gitu. tapi begitu balik, begitu menginjakkan kaki di jakarta, hmmm.. kumat kumat deh tuh! di mobil langsung kegirangan gw bs dengerin music lg. eh, makin lama makin di jakarta lagi makin parah aja gw. buktinya sekarang gw udh ngefreak lg sm slh satu band, yg btw band itu adlh 30 Seconds to Mars.


& gw suka sm band itu baru sekarang, pdhl band itu jelas" udh lama gitu. pasti gr" si jared leto (vokalis) yg dulu rambutnya agak cepak gitu.
giliran rambutnya panjangan kyk sekarang gini gw mlh suka. tp gw g bgitu sk yg di "From Yesterday", sukanya yg di "The Kill". hmm, bagi gw itu perfect bgt rambutnya!

akhirnya gw sk sm cowok ganteng! bukan cowok cantik kyk biasanya! kmaren" gw sk sm frank iero, ryan ross, brendon urie, mikey way, william beckett, & michael chislett yg hampir semuanya cantik" dlm ukuran cowok. br skarang gw sk sm org yg diakuin cipo ganteng! hahahaa.. (makasih ya, cip!) tapi sayangnya jared leto udh tua banget! umurnya aja udh 36thn. kurang tua apa tuh? jdnya gw cm bs bayangin kl dia jd bokap gw gmn ya?? haa.. asik! dibayangan gw sih, asik! bs minta diajarin nyanyi, acting, main gitar. terus kl jared jd bokap gw kan otomatis shannon jd om gw, jd gw jg bs minta diajarin main drum. hahahaa.. ngarep ngarep deh, tuh! tp jelas G MUNGKIN lah.. 

hari penting yg gw inget saat" ini; 06/27/07 => 30 Seconds to Mars’s day & 06/15/07 => Echelon’s day. Echelon itu street teamnya 30STM yg udh nyebar ke seluruh dunia & anggotanya ngefreak smua sm 30STM!! dan dgn indahnya tepat 1 bulan setelah Echelon’s day, gw ulang tahun! hahahahahaa.. sehati bgt gw sm echelon!

btw, saat" ini gw bs minta apa aja, ya krn gw abs lulus (dgn nilai di atas rata"), udh gitu dikit lg gw ultah & gw g mau ultah gw dirayain besar"an kyk biasanya, jd kyknya ultah gw saat ini g ada apa"nya kl gw sm skali g minta sesuatu yg besar. pengen bgt minta bnyk spt; laptop baru, hp N91 (lagi) tapi yg 8GB, bbrp majalah photography & music, & cd" lagu. tp dr smua itu yg paling pengen itu dibeliin cd lagu 30STM!! sumpah deh! kl lg ngefans bgt gini, nih! duh, g tw mo ngomong aplg. lg speechless (ngebayangin kl gw udh dpt cdnya pst jingkrak"an & teriak". hohoo.. g sgitunya sih) bener" speechless gw nih,, dadaaah.. otak lg kosong